little seeds

it's hard to keep track of who you are when you feel like you change too much. what's more difficult is keeping track of who you are when you don't change at all; new insights are sparse and you can't illuminate everything about being who you are. it's like you're constantly kept in the dark. in this sense, it could come to the absence of "you."

i honestly don't know which of these two categories i belong to, but all i'm certain of is that knowing the self fully is difficult, if not entirely impossible. it's hard to believe in anything. should i blame nature or nurture? do i define myself with the things i love? or do they define me? do i own or am i owned? it's quite hard to tell anything apart, since everything seems like an interchangable mess. 

i have a feeling not so many people these days live balanced lives. most people are concerned with the excess of everything. some work too hard and some have fun a little bit too much. please forgive me for this overly simplistic dichotomy, but be reminded that this is a personal observation. i say this because this is all i'm exposed to.

while i do not discount the existence of those who live healthy, balanced lives, i am aware that people nowadays seem to be preocupied by matters that cause them to gravitate towards having too much of something.

a greek philosopher once said that a man must take care of his mind, body, and spirit in order to be considered truly fit. obviously, many people neglect certain parts of themselves. i blame materialism for this.

this is the age of acquisition; we must have. we must own. we think that our lives will be balanced if we have what we think we should have. let's say a house, decent car, and a few items under what we call "wants." while this isn't entirely bad, people's focus have shifted to this, forgetting the undelying principles that could help us achieve much greater things. perhaps, if we would take time to tend to our minds, bodies, and spirits, life will be easier because we will be easily illuminated.

i admit i'm one of those people who want and try to live the "ideal" life. i find myself stuggling everyday just to make sure that all parts of me are nourished. excercise for the body, books and good converation for the mind, and mediation and prayer for the spirit. i try my best, but i feel tired. i can't help but feel that i'm doing something wrong. what am i missing?

i'd rather see people struggle the same way than let them be contented living their lives without nourishing certain aspects of themselves. it's just sad to think that there are a lot of people who do not excercise what being human truly means.

once, i told my father that i would like to die and not own anything in this world. he looked at me with a puzzled and disappointed expression on his face.

"then why did i have to send you to school?"

"i don't need anything. i mean, i don't want to need anything. isn't that great?"

"what was the point of your going to the university?"

i don't exactly recall where we had this conversation; it could be by the duck pond near our apartment or some place in the mall. all i'm sure of is that i was in a very relaxed mood when i opened up to him.

our conversation didn't go any further.  i knew was that i was misunderstood, and that my father found me weird. i could have pressed on for some more of his thoughts or explain what i meant exactly, but i opted to just be quiet.

i remember that conversation now that i'm all alone in the world fending for myself. these days, my parents are no longer responsible for what happens to me and i found myself to be all wrapped up in---well---material things. recently, i have been pressured to do this and that, accomplish this and that, buy this and that. with good intentions in mind, it seemed like i was doing the right thing. unfortunately, my focus had shifted to "things," when i should be focusing on the more "intangible" aspects of my life that will help me establish myself.

let's say i need to give myself peace of mind and learn the art of discernment. perhaps, if i keep these things the governing ideas that will help me make big and small decisions in my life, i can get away from letting objects define who i am. and then of course, everything will fall into place. i'll have what i need, even more, and not want.