little seeds

once, i told my father that i would like to die and not own anything in this world. he looked at me with a puzzled and disappointed expression on his face.

"then why did i have to send you to school?"

"i don't need anything. i mean, i don't want to need anything. isn't that great?"

"what was the point of your going to the university?"

i don't exactly recall where we had this conversation; it could be by the duck pond near our apartment or some place in the mall. all i'm sure of is that i was in a very relaxed mood when i opened up to him.

our conversation didn't go any further.  i knew was that i was misunderstood, and that my father found me weird. i could have pressed on for some more of his thoughts or explain what i meant exactly, but i opted to just be quiet.

i remember that conversation now that i'm all alone in the world fending for myself. these days, my parents are no longer responsible for what happens to me and i found myself to be all wrapped up in---well---material things. recently, i have been pressured to do this and that, accomplish this and that, buy this and that. with good intentions in mind, it seemed like i was doing the right thing. unfortunately, my focus had shifted to "things," when i should be focusing on the more "intangible" aspects of my life that will help me establish myself.

let's say i need to give myself peace of mind and learn the art of discernment. perhaps, if i keep these things the governing ideas that will help me make big and small decisions in my life, i can get away from letting objects define who i am. and then of course, everything will fall into place. i'll have what i need, even more, and not want.